When is it controlling behaviour

A controlling person might criticise your spending habits or try to take over how you spend your own money. Are they jealous or protective of you when you are around certain people? This can become controlling once they start trying to keep your away from your friends. Controlling people are often on a power trip. They will take pride in being seen as the one who is in charge. Ask yourself how you feel about your role within the relationship.

Do they always seem to be in opposition about your take on certain issues? Are they doing this on purpose in order to invalidate any input you have? Controlling lovers will often feel threatened by the idea of their partner attracting attention from the opposite sex. Do they ever comment negatively about how you choose to present yourself? Similarly to the wardrobe, they will try to control where you go so they can keep a certain hold on you.

Do you always find yourself being accused of lying about things like where you were or who you were with? They always seem paranoid that you are doing something to betray them. Does your partner repeatedly accuse you of being unfaithful? Controlling people will often be the ones with trust issues because they feel insecure. For example, a person with obsessive-compulsive disorder , or OCD, may need to have control over their environment or routine due to intense fears of contamination or crime.

Learn more about different types of anxiety disorder. Some personality disorders can make a person more likely to use controlling behavior. Some examples include:. Personality disorders are long-term mental health conditions.

Some people with BPD make significant improvements with psychotherapy, but they may need 10 years or more of treatment before they function well in a range of relationships and at work, for example. Abusive partners have often learned controlling behavior, and other forms of abuse, from other people. They may have grown up in an abusive household or learned from caregivers that it is their right to exert power over their partner. In these cases, it is possible for the person to change their behaviors and attitudes.

But for this to happen, the person must truly want to change and take steps to achieve it. It is crucial to note that while mental health conditions and past trauma can contribute to controlling behavior, these issues do not justify or excuse abuse. The first step is to figure out whether or not the controlling behavior is abusive.

If it is not, it may be a good idea to talk to the person about their behavior. A person cannot make someone want to change their behavior. If a person attempts to talk calmly and openly with someone, and they do not listen, the person may need to distance themselves or end the relationship. In other cases, when a person demonstrates abusive behavior, such as coercive control, it may be dangerous to confront them.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline recommend creating a safety plan. It may involve:. Legg, Ph. They criticize you all the time. They keep score. They gaslight you. They create drama. They intimidate you. They try to change you. They may show abusive behavior. How to get help. Read this next. Medically reviewed by Janet Brito, Ph. Is Your Relationship Toxic? Battered Woman Syndrome. Personality Disorder. Medically reviewed by Jeffrey Ditzell, DO. How you deal with a controlling person depends on the relationship dynamic.

Here's how to handle controlling behavior from a few of the most common perpetrators:. In a controlling relationship, the big question is whether to stay or leave. If you've realized you're in a controlling relationship that's abusive, reach out for help immediately. You can call, chat, or text this hotline for support. If there isn't abuse and you believe your partner is open to adjusting their behavior, Richmond says the first step is to open up a conversation about what's going on.

First, you'll want to establish a time you can both sit down and talk about what's been bothering you. For example, she says, you could say something along the lines of When you text me constantly while I'm out with my friends, I feel like you don't trust me. When I don't feel trusted, I feel diminished and like you don't think I can take care of myself. That really makes me feel like the underdog in this relationship, and like you have more power—and I don't like feeling powerless.

Licensed therapist Rachel Wright, LMFT, adds that you can also use her AEO framework for structuring the conversation: Acknowledge the issue, explain the emotions, and then offer a solution or request, such as, What I'd really like is that when we're out with our friends, there isn't an expectation that we respond to each other super quickly. What do you think? From there, how they respond will be telling.

Do they take accountability and change their behavior? If not, and they continue to disrespect your boundaries, it's probably best to walk away. In the case of a controlling friend, Richmond says, many of the aforementioned principles apply: finding a time to talk and expressing your honest concerns. If they respond well and actually change their behavior, that's a sign the relationship can be salvaged.

If not, you can create some space or choose to end the friendship entirely. As therapist Tiana Leeds, M. According to clinical psychologist Shefali Tsabary, Ph. As Cullins adds, you can respectfully choose to make a different choice when a parent is being controlling, whether "declining a parent's offer, or not interacting if it creates an uncomfortable situation for the child.

For more tips on dealing with controlling parents, check out our guide. When someone seeks to control you, it's not coming from a place of love but, in fact, quite the opposite: fear.

Controlling behavior and manipulation are toxic and don't align with what open and honest communication is all about—which is necessary for a healthy relationship. If you ever feel unsafe due to someone else's behavior, trust your gut and remove yourself from the situation as quickly as possible. Want your passion for wellness to change the world? Become A Functional Nutrition Coach!

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